The TSA fired a woman today after one of her coworkers accused her of being a witch, and was threatening to “put a hex” on her. The TSA defended the firing, saying it was performance based; apparently she had repeatedly forgotten her name tag, had been late coming back from her break, and it had been weeks since she’d lured any children into her gingerbread houses.
Researchers released a study today showing that radiation from the full-body image scanners at airports pose no heath threat to travelers. The same researchers caution frequent use of the scanners, though, because they have yet to create a study which measures shame.
The Egyptian government said today that tourists fleeing the nation after the protests have cost the country $1.7 billion in two weeks. Without this money, the government concerned about the unemployment rate rising, and about mummies succumbing to boredom without any greedy American archeologists to curse.
Harry Coover, the man who invented super glue, passed away today. His family said that the death was not a surprise, and that Harry stuck with them as long as he could.
As of today, Diet Coke passed Pepsi to become to the number two soda in America. Coca-Cola, Co. representatives say that the soda’s popularity has to do with an upswing in soda drinkers being more health conscious, and that it’s cool refreshing taste allows them to more easily kid themselves.
Police arrested a Florida school bus driver today for texting while driving. Police say that the woman sent over 1,000 texts while driving the bus over the course of a month. Officers handling the case said that they take the endangerment of minors very seriously, and that her blue-tooth headset makes her mug-shots look especially silly.
Republicans are upset with President Obama today after he stopped by ESPN to give his bracket picks for March Madness. Republicans say that there are more important places for the President to be in this time of crisis, and they are sick of him rubbing it in when he wins the office pool every year. He does a whole dance; it’s getting a little embarrassing.
A New York mother is suing a preschool for $19,000 because she claims the teachers were not preparing her daughter for an Ivy League school. The mom says that her 4-year old was not prepared for the standardized tests required to get into the Ivy League, saying that her daughter couldn’t even spell the “SATs.” She has also filed a suit against her husband, her doctor, and...
The Center for Disease Control issued a new report yesterday saying that the average American’s life-span has hit 78 years old, an all-time high. This is great news, but the CDC did say that the number might be inflated a bit by Kirk Douglas.
Hip Hop legend Nate Dogg tragically passed away today. It was tough news for his fans, and for rapper Snoop Dogg who had to spend all day explaining to white people that he’s fine.
At the San Diego Zoo yesterday, a giant panda wandered out of its enclosure and attacked its keeper. Zoo-goers who witnessed the brutal panda attack said it was adorable.
A woman in Georgia bought Girl Scout cookies from a local troupe with a phony $50 bill today, stealing the cookies. The police are looking for someone desperate enough for cookies to steal cookies from girl scouts, so they’re starting their investigation with people who are incredibly, incredibly high.
Madame Tussad’s, the famous wax museum, unveiled today a brand new wax sculpture of Justin Beiber. The wax statue of the Beib is incredibly convincing and nearly identical - apparently the one difference is that the wax statue is slightly smarter. A rep from Madame Tussad’s say that the statue took no time at all to produce, as they just moved it over from their “The L...
Maimi Law enforcement say today that a white powdery substance found at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center tested positive for cocaine. NASA scientists were unapologetic, saying that their whole job is to get as high as possible. Miami police first became suspicious of NASA when they saw all the scientists had their lab coat sleeves rolled up.
In an interview today, Woody Allen said that he wouldn’t be starring as the romantic lead in his own movies anymore, citing that he’s too old for it to be believable anymore. Allen said he now needs to recast the lead in his next movie, about a man who travels back in time 20 years to when everyone else was trying to tell him that.
And in Boston this weekend, the Penny Arcade Expo welcomed 69,500 nerds who gathered together to play video, board and card games for three days. The convention ended Sunday, and officials say they’ll have the Magic cards and Cheeto dust cleared out by Thursday.
In Florida, this really happened, a dolphin leapt out of the water, on to a boat, and landed on a woman. The dolphin said he thought the woman was calling to him in dolphin speak, but her husband reluctantly admitted it was just her weird laugh.
Jake Jyllenhall got into an argument at a screening of his movie Source Code this weekend, when a fan tried to snap a picture of him in the bathroom. The fan apologized, and said he just assumed that the bathroom was the natural place for a Source Code screening.
Police have issued a warrant for Michael Madsen’s arrest, as the actor allegedly owes $570,000 in child support. Police say they’re sure they’ll find Madsen, and have set up roadblocks around his usual route of going directly to DVD.
Scientists released a study that says women who eat a diet rich in Vitamin B are far less likely to be effected by PMS. Those same scientists are still searching for a vitamin to stop men from acting like babies when women talk about their periods.
March Madness is here, everyone, so make sure to report any frothing maniacs you see and avoid their bites and scratches.
General Mills is no longer actively marketing Cap’n Crunch after pressure from The White House and health activists who say that the sugary cereal is no good for kids. There are economic concerns if the sales of the cereal continue to decline, however, as thousands of migrant workers would no longer have a job picking Crunchberries.
The CEO and president of NPR was forced to resign today after a video was released of one of their fundraising agents calling Tea Party members “racists.” Tea Partiers are apparently appalled by that label, a representative for the group said, “We’re not ‘racists.’ We’re simply a group of concerned Americans who love our country and don’t NOT hate...
In an interview today, Newt Gringrich said that the times that he’s cheated on his ex-wives were driven, in part, by how much he loves America. Gingritch defended this claim, saying he made every woman he slept with who wasn’t his wife sing The Star Spangled Banner before and after. Gingritch also said he was left with no choice when one woman cornered him and told him a...
Scientists have begun to worry that on March 19th, the moon will get closer to the Earth than ever before, triggering natural disasters in what they’re calling an “extreme supermoon.” Scientists are saying this is not the first time they’ve dealt with the supermoon, but disaster was averted when they realized they had the telescope pointed at a nearby frat house.
Today the Space Shuttle Discovery landed, back from it’s final mission to space. NASA retired the shuttle, and have shifted focus to new projects like interplanetary travel and finding some place far, far away where we can send Charlie Sheen.
A study came out today that more and more Americans are falling asleep in strange places, such as in meetings at work or in the bathroom. The number one place? Nicholas Cage movies.
Police say a thief stole celebrity chef Guy Fieri’s $200,000 Lamborghini from it’s dealership last night. In order to find the car as quickly as possible, police have deployed a K-9 unit trained to follow the scent of cheese-fries.
In The American Journal of Preventive Medicine, researchers have been able to identify a “Diabetes Belt” of counties in 15 U.S. states where diabetes is the most prevalent. Doctors first took notice of The Diabetes Belt when thousands of overweight citizens started putting new notches in it. Doctors say this is a real danger to Americans, unlike the simply irritating “STD...
Scientists reported successfully regrowing urethrae in 5 patients with their own cells. While this might seem like a very specific medical procedure, scientists say that they thing with enough time and research, they could regrow a urethra in anything.
This morning millions of dead Anchovies floated to the surface of a California beach. Officials haven’t figured out what killed all the fish yet, but are looking to bring in The Noid for questioning. The only thing that smells worse than all those dead fish? That Noid reference.
Yesterday was Shaquille O’Neal’s birthday! Shaq celebrated at the Boston Children’s Museum with a bunch of local tots, serving cake before shouting “FI FYE FO FUM!” and grinding their bones to make his bread.
An 83 year old Wal-Mart greeter was arrested this weekend after he went back in after his shift and robbed the store at gunpoint. The Wal-Mart managers said they should have suspected something earlier, after getting numerous complains he was greeting people with, “Welcome to Wal-Mart, bitch!”
In honor of it’s final trip back to earth, the crew of the space shuttle Discovery awoke this morning to the sound of William Shatner reciting the opening monologue from Star Trek. Shatner wanted to sing “Rocket Man,” for the crew, but NASA officials declined, saying, “These astronauts have been in space for 13 days - haven’t they been through enough?”
Michael Bay admitted in an interview today that he “made some mistakes,” during the making of Transformers 2, saying that some elements of the movie were, “crap.” When asked which part Bay was talking about, audience members said, “the part between the titles and the credits.”
Republicans in Iowa are currently grooming Herman Cain, the owner of a chain of pizzerias, for a run at the Republican presidential nomination. There’s already concerns that Cain can’t deliver on promises, as Iowa Democrats allege that their pizzas consistantly took over 30 minutes to arrive.
Justin Bieber tweeted today that he’s going to give up shaving for a month so he can grow a mustache. Because as we all know, there’s nothing sexier than a teenager with a mustache. Bieber said that he wanted to start growing the mustache after his parents promised him a white van with no windows for his 18th birthday.
Phil Collin’s representation told People magazine today that, even though it sounded like he was calling it quits in an interview with Time last week, the singer has no plans of retiring. Collins’ reps said they were very upset with Time, and were considering su-su-suing the magazine.
Emma Watson, who plays Hermione in the Harry Potter movies, is taking a semester off from Brown University to help promote the last installment in the series later this year. Watson said that while she was looking forward to the break, she was worried how this abscense might impact her Quiddich scholarship. Asked if there were any other factors leading to her taking a break, Watson said she was...
A report was released that February saw a two-year low for the unemployment rate. Officials were optimistic about this upswing, but caution that most of these new jobs are people making fun of Charlie Sheen on the internet.
A psychology professor at Northwest University is in some trouble after he had a live demonstration of sex toys in his classroom last month. Students and parents said they weren’t upset by the demonstration, but that the professors’ non-stop giggling was really distracting. The professor said there was a turnout of 100 students for this optional portion of his class, so either the...
Mazda announced today that they had to recall 52,000 cars that have recently been infested with spiders. When asked why they were hiding in the Mazdas, the spiders said they thought the cars would be best way to get as far from the Spider-Man musical as possible.
Phil Collins said today that he’s quitting music. Mr. Collins’ decision to retire puzzled many music fans who reacted by saying, “Who’s Phil Collins?” Mr Collins cited a number of medical problems in his decision to retire, including nerve problems in his hand, hearing loss, and being turned into a hideous leathery puppet.
Warner Brothers announced today that they’re going to start giving tours of the remaining sets from the Harry Potter movies next year. Highlights of the tour include Professor Dumbledore’s office, the dining room at Hogwarts and the giant money bin that J.K. Rowling lives in. The tour is said to take three hours, but that the squealing little kids will make it feel like an eternity.
George Lucas announced yesterday that in 2012, he’s rereleasing Star Wars: The Phantom Menace in 3D. Lucas reassured concerned fans that, although the special effects will be in 3D, the characters will still be completely one dimensional.
A group of middle aged women in Michagin recreated their Prom to raise money for charity. They call it, “Mom Prom,” and it marks the first time in history no one was embarrassed by their mom being at the prom. The moms said that they reencated their prom completely; they danced to music from the 80’s, wore outrageous dresses, and deflowered several 17 year old boys in their...
At the Game Developer’s Conference this week, Tōru Iwatani, the creator of Pac-Man said that the reason he created Pac Man was to attract girls. When asked if that’s how he met his wife, Mr Iwatani said no, and that he actually met his wife when they were both trapped in a maze, running from ghosts.
A Minnesota man in was revived after a team of people performed CPR on him for 96 minutes. EMTs at the scene said that the man was fine after six minutes, but they kept going because he was such a good kisser.