Mar 29

The TSA fired a woman today after one of her coworkers accused her of being a witch, and was threatening to “put a hex” on her. 

The TSA defended the firing, saying it was performance based; apparently she had repeatedly forgotten her name tag, had been late coming back from her break, and it had been weeks since she’d lured any children into her gingerbread houses.

Researchers released a study today showing that radiation from the full-body image scanners at airports pose no heath threat to travelers.

The same researchers caution frequent use of the scanners, though, because they have yet to create a study which measures shame. 

The Egyptian government said today that tourists fleeing the nation after the protests have cost the country $1.7 billion in two weeks. 

Without this money, the government concerned about the unemployment rate rising, and about mummies succumbing to boredom without any greedy American archeologists to curse.

Harry Coover, the man who invented super glue, passed away today.

His family said that the death was not a surprise, and that Harry stuck with them as long as he could.

Mar 18

As of today, Diet Coke passed Pepsi to become to the number two soda in America.

Coca-Cola, Co. representatives say that the soda’s popularity has to do with an upswing in soda drinkers being more health conscious, and that it’s cool refreshing taste allows them to more easily kid themselves.

Mar 17

Police arrested a Florida school bus driver today for texting while driving. Police say that the woman sent over 1,000 texts while driving the bus over the course of a month.

Officers handling the case said that they take the endangerment of minors very seriously, and that her blue-tooth headset makes her mug-shots look especially silly.

Republicans are upset with President Obama today after he stopped by ESPN to give his bracket picks for March Madness. 

Republicans say that there are more important places for the President to be in this time of crisis, and they are sick of him rubbing it in when he wins the office pool every year. He does a whole dance; it’s getting a little embarrassing. 

A New York mother is suing a preschool for $19,000 because she claims the teachers were not preparing her daughter for an Ivy League school.

The mom says that her 4-year old was not prepared for the standardized tests required to get into the Ivy League, saying that her daughter couldn’t even spell the “SATs.”

She has also filed a suit against her husband, her doctor, and Manhattan General Hospital for not providing her with a smarter baby.

The Center for Disease Control issued a new report yesterday saying that the average American’s life-span has hit 78 years old, an all-time high.

This is great news, but the CDC did say that the number might be inflated a bit by Kirk Douglas.

Hip Hop legend Nate Dogg tragically passed away today. 

It was tough news for his fans, and for rapper Snoop Dogg who had to spend all day explaining to white people that he’s fine.