maloneologue

At the San Diego Zoo yesterday, a giant panda wandered out of its enclosure and attacked its keeper. 

Zoo-goers who witnessed the brutal panda attack said it was adorable.

A woman in Georgia bought Girl Scout cookies from a local troupe with a phony $50 bill today, stealing the cookies. 

The police are looking for someone desperate enough for cookies to steal cookies from girl scouts, so they’re starting their investigation with people who are incredibly, incredibly high.

Madame Tussad’s, the famous wax museum, unveiled today a brand new wax sculpture of Justin Beiber. 

The wax statue of the Beib is incredibly convincing and nearly identical - apparently the one difference is that the wax statue is slightly smarter. 

A rep from Madame Tussad’s say that the statue took no time at all to produce, as they just moved it over from their “The L Word” exhibit. 

Maimi Law enforcement say today that a white powdery substance found at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center tested positive for cocaine.

NASA scientists were unapologetic, saying that their whole job is to get as high as possible. 

Miami police first became suspicious of NASA when they saw all the scientists had their lab coat sleeves rolled up. 

In an interview today, Woody Allen said that he wouldn’t be starring as the romantic lead in his own movies anymore, citing that he’s too old for it to be believable anymore. 

Allen said he now needs to recast the lead in his next movie, about a man who travels back in time 20 years to when everyone else was trying to tell him that. 

And in Boston this weekend, the Penny Arcade Expo welcomed 69,500 nerds who gathered together to play video, board and card games for three days. 

The convention ended Sunday, and officials say they’ll have the Magic cards and Cheeto dust cleared out by Thursday. 

In Florida, this really happened, a dolphin leapt out of the water, on to a boat, and landed on a woman.

The dolphin said he thought the woman was calling to him in dolphin speak, but her husband reluctantly admitted it was just her weird laugh.

Jake Jyllenhall got into an argument at a screening of his movie Source Code this weekend, when a fan tried to snap a picture of him in the bathroom.

The fan apologized, and said he just assumed that the bathroom was the natural place for a Source Code screening.

Police have issued a warrant for Michael Madsen’s arrest, as the actor allegedly owes $570,000 in child support. 

Police say they’re sure they’ll find Madsen, and have set up roadblocks around his usual route of going directly to DVD.  

Scientists released a study that says women who eat a diet rich in Vitamin B are far less likely to be effected by PMS. 

Those same scientists are still searching for a vitamin to stop men from acting like babies when women talk about their periods.