maloneologue

The TSA fired a woman today after one of her coworkers accused her of being a witch, and was...

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 02:00:39 -0400

The TSA fired a woman today after one of her coworkers accused her of being a witch, and was threatening to “put a hex” on her.

The TSA defended the firing, saying it was performance based; apparently she had repeatedly forgotten her name tag, had been late coming back from her break, and it had been weeks since she’d lured any children into her gingerbread houses.

Researchers released a study today showing that radiation from the full-body image scanners at...

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 01:48:37 -0400

Researchers released a study today showing that radiation from the full-body image scanners at airports pose no heath threat to travelers.

The same researchers caution frequent use of the scanners, though, because they have yet to create a study which measures shame.

The Egyptian government said today that tourists fleeing the nation after the protests have cost the...

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 01:43:59 -0400

The Egyptian government said today that tourists fleeing the nation after the protests have cost the country $1.7 billion in two weeks.

Without this money, the government concerned about the unemployment rate rising, and about mummies succumbing to boredom without any greedy American archeologists to curse.

Harry Coover, the man who invented super glue, passed away today. His family said that the death was...

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 00:48:00 -0400

Harry Coover, the man who invented super glue, passed away today.

His family said that the death was not a surprise, and that Harry stuck with them as long as he could.

As of today, Diet Coke passed Pepsi to become to the number two soda in America. Coca-Cola, Co....

Fri, 18 Mar 2011 01:18:32 -0400

As of today, Diet Coke passed Pepsi to become to the number two soda in America.

Coca-Cola, Co. representatives say that the soda’s popularity has to do with an upswing in soda drinkers being more health conscious, and that it’s cool refreshing taste allows them to more easily kid themselves.

Police arrested a Florida school bus driver today for texting while driving. Police say that the...

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 02:37:57 -0400

Police arrested a Florida school bus driver today for texting while driving. Police say that the woman sent over 1,000 texts while driving the bus over the course of a month.

Officers handling the case said that they take the endangerment of minors very seriously, and that her blue-tooth headset makes her mug-shots look especially silly.

Republicans are upset with President Obama today after he stopped by ESPN to give his bracket picks...

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 02:29:00 -0400

Republicans are upset with President Obama today after he stopped by ESPN to give his bracket picks for March Madness.

Republicans say that there are more important places for the President to be in this time of crisis, and they are sick of him rubbing it in when he wins the office pool every year. He does a whole dance; it’s getting a little embarrassing.

A New York mother is suing a preschool for $19,000 because she claims the teachers were not...

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 02:27:08 -0400

A New York mother is suing a preschool for $19,000 because she claims the teachers were not preparing her daughter for an Ivy League school.

The mom says that her 4-year old was not prepared for the standardized tests required to get into the Ivy League, saying that her daughter couldn’t even spell the “SATs.”

She has also filed a suit against her husband, her doctor, and Manhattan General Hospital for not providing her with a smarter baby.

The Center for Disease Control issued a new report yesterday saying that the average...

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 02:12:00 -0400

The Center for Disease Control issued a new report yesterday saying that the average American’s life-span has hit 78 years old, an all-time high.

This is great news, but the CDC did say that the number might be inflated a bit by Kirk Douglas.

Hip Hop legend Nate Dogg tragically passed away today. It was tough news for his fans, and for...

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 02:10:14 -0400

Hip Hop legend Nate Dogg tragically passed away today.

It was tough news for his fans, and for rapper Snoop Dogg who had to spend all day explaining to white people that he’s fine.

At the San Diego Zoo yesterday, a giant panda wandered out of its enclosure and attacked its...

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 01:00:00 -0400

At the San Diego Zoo yesterday, a giant panda wandered out of its enclosure and attacked its keeper.

Zoo-goers who witnessed the brutal panda attack said it was adorable.

A woman in Georgia bought Girl Scout cookies from a local troupe with a phony $50 bill today,...

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:39:55 -0400

A woman in Georgia bought Girl Scout cookies from a local troupe with a phony $50 bill today, stealing the cookies.

The police are looking for someone desperate enough for cookies to steal cookies from girl scouts, so they’re starting their investigation with people who are incredibly, incredibly high.

Madame Tussad’s, the famous wax museum, unveiled today a brand new wax sculpture of Justin...

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:20:00 -0400

Madame Tussad’s, the famous wax museum, unveiled today a brand new wax sculpture of Justin Beiber.

The wax statue of the Beib is incredibly convincing and nearly identical - apparently the one difference is that the wax statue is slightly smarter.

A rep from Madame Tussad’s say that the statue took no time at all to produce, as they just moved it over from their “The L Word” exhibit.

Maimi Law enforcement say today that a white powdery substance found at NASA’s Kennedy Space...

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:17:04 -0400

Maimi Law enforcement say today that a white powdery substance found at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center tested positive for cocaine.

NASA scientists were unapologetic, saying that their whole job is to get as high as possible.

Miami police first became suspicious of NASA when they saw all the scientists had their lab coat sleeves rolled up.

In an interview today, Woody Allen said that he wouldn’t be starring as the romantic lead in...

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:13:00 -0400

In an interview today, Woody Allen said that he wouldn’t be starring as the romantic lead in his own movies anymore, citing that he’s too old for it to be believable anymore.

Allen said he now needs to recast the lead in his next movie, about a man who travels back in time 20 years to when everyone else was trying to tell him that.

And in Boston this weekend, the Penny Arcade Expo welcomed 69,500 nerds who gathered together to...

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 01:12:00 -0400

And in Boston this weekend, the Penny Arcade Expo welcomed 69,500 nerds who gathered together to play video, board and card games for three days.

The convention ended Sunday, and officials say they’ll have the Magic cards and Cheeto dust cleared out by Thursday.

In Florida, this really happened, a dolphin leapt out of the water, on to a boat, and landed on a...

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 01:07:03 -0400

In Florida, this really happened, a dolphin leapt out of the water, on to a boat, and landed on a woman.

The dolphin said he thought the woman was calling to him in dolphin speak, but her husband reluctantly admitted it was just her weird laugh.

Jake Jyllenhall got into an argument at a screening of his movie Source Code this weekend, when a...

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 00:52:00 -0400

Jake Jyllenhall got into an argument at a screening of his movie Source Code this weekend, when a fan tried to snap a picture of him in the bathroom.

The fan apologized, and said he just assumed that the bathroom was the natural place for a Source Code screening.

Police have issued a warrant for Michael Madsen’s arrest, as the actor allegedly owes $570,000...

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 00:49:00 -0400

Police have issued a warrant for Michael Madsen’s arrest, as the actor allegedly owes $570,000 in child support.

Police say they’re sure they’ll find Madsen, and have set up roadblocks around his usual route of going directly to DVD.

Scientists released a study that says women who eat a diet rich in Vitamin B are far less likely to...

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 00:46:00 -0400

Scientists released a study that says women who eat a diet rich in Vitamin B are far less likely to be effected by PMS.

Those same scientists are still searching for a vitamin to stop men from acting like babies when women talk about their periods.